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| National Domestic Violence Hotline |
Both love and domestic violence are learned behavior
The experts say that domestic violence is "learned behavior" and it is not caused by alcohol, drugs or any other outside condition or situation which men normally like to use as an excuse for their behavior.
One must understand that love is also a "learned behavior" and, as strange as it may seem, some women who suffer the devastating effects of domestic violence actually love their abuser. They live each day in hopes of change in the person who initially won their heart.
A personal account of domestic violence
One woman's personal story of domestic violence puts it this way:
"After our first meeting, he called a few times and seemed very sweet and funny. When I invited him to a party, he arrived with flowers and was very charming. I was smitten and we began dating. My 21st birthday arrived and he wined and dined me and lavished me with expensive gifts and constant flattery."What woman in her right mind wouldn't like to be treated in this manner? She fell in love with him and nothing anyone could say or do would change her feelings for him.
Soon everything changed as this same woman explains -
"By this time, I was emotionally and mentally broken. I was exhausted, living in constant fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. The verbal abuse continued as the physical abuse escalated. He once whipped me around by my arm and almost pulled my arm out of socket."This case is typical in showing that some women actually believe that the abuse and violence is in some way their fault as this woman states, ". . . living in constant fear of saying or doing the wrong thing."
This is another reason why some women stay in an abusive relationship. They seem to feel that if they will do something different or change themselves, the violence and abuse will stop. They just don't understand that nothing they can do will change their abusive partner.
Thus far has been mentioned love and the feeling of guilt as reasons why women stay in violent or abusive relationships and now we will look at how some women view the role of law enforcement personnel in a domestic violence situation.
Women tolerate abuse because they feel state laws won't protect them
In most states domestic violence laws are written to give the responding police officer total control of the situation. Colorado Revised Statute 18.6.803.6 states -
"Additionally, nothing in this subsection (1) shall be construed to require a peace officer to arrest either party involved in an alleged act of domestic violence when a peace officer determines there is no probable cause to believe that a crime or offense of domestic violence has been committed."In other words if the responding police officer doesn't see blood, broken bones or some other physical evidence to show "probable cause", the fact that the woman had been raped and emotionally abused for years can just be ignored. It's totally up to the police officer.
In 2011, there were more than 13,384 reports of domestic violence crimes filed with Colorado law enforcement agencies. This number includes 11,381 reports of assault, 905 incidents of kidnapping, 305 forcible sex offenses, and 23 homicides.
How many times have women called the police only to be ignored? How many lives would have been saved if the police officer just did his job and arrested the person accused of domestic violence. All of the particulars of the situation could be sorted out later after the women and children were out of danger.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence,
"Almost half of all murders in Colorado are committed by an intimate partner. The vast majority of these victims are female."
Women tolerate abuse because orders of protection aren't adequate
Even though Tennessee law (TCA 39-13-113) states that it is an offense to knowingly violate an Order of Protection, it further states:
"(d) After a person has been arrested for a violation of this section, the arresting officer shall inform the victim that the person has been arrested and that such person may be eligible to post bond for the offense and be released until the date of trial for the offense."In Tennessee, even though a woman has obtained an Order of Protection from the courts, the person violating that Order does not go directly to jail until a hearing or trial.
The fact is that many women don't trust law enforcement personnel to protect them and actually fear the consequences of the call to the police more than they fear the abuse from their partner.
Women tolerate abuse out of fear
Another major reason why some women stay in an abusive relationship is fear. We all know what it's like to be afraid of a thunderstorm or a hurricane, but what is it like to fear for your life? Some women are threatened with guns, knives or other deadly weapons and sincerely believe that if they don't behave in a manner dictated by the abuser, these weapons will be used against them.
Domestic violence is all about power and control. The abuser must be in charge of everything, including all of the finances. Many times women are only given enough money to buy groceries and have no financial means to make a change in their lives.
Women tolerate domestic violence because they feel isolated
One of the dominant characteristics of domestic violence is isolation. The abuser won't allow his partner to associate with her friends or even family and oftentimes, the domestic violence victim just has no place to go. Where does the victim go if the shelter has no vacancy and she has no friends or family in the immediate area?
Love, fear, guilt, frustration and lack of confidence in those who are sworn to protect them are common reasons why some women stay in abusive, sometimes violent, relationships. They seem to have resolved to just keep quiet about it and hope to live to see tomorrow.
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If you are a business owner and haven't adopted any particular cause or campaign, why not join BWC Marketing and get involved in promoting domestic violence awareness? When businesses work together, great things can happen. The only way we can help stop domestic violence is to talk about it. There is someone in your community who is living in a violent relationship. Please join me on LinkedIn and Google+.--Ken
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