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| Domestic violence is NEVER a private matter! |
She was upset and crying and she said, "Can you help me?"
Being half in and half out of reality, I could only ask, "What's wrong?"
She said, "He's at the neighbor's house drinking and I'm afraid he will come home and beat me again."
The only words that rang out to me were "beat" and "again". Sandy asked if I could come get her. I drove some 50 miles to meet her in a K-Mart parking lot, because I had told her that I could not come to the house.
I had heard about domestic violence, but all I knew was that it existed and not very much of anything else. As I made that drive, I kept asking myself, "OK, now that you have made this decision to go get her, what do you do next?"
After circling the K-Mart parking lot several times, I finally noticed Sandy sitting in this beat up pick up truck. The windshield was cracked from one side to the other, the paint was peeling off everywhere, the front end was all bashed in and the hood was tied down with a rope. As Sandy got out of that truck, I could see that her right eye was swollen and she was still crying.
On the ride back to my apartment, stories of physical, sexual and emotional abuse and other acts of violence began to be revealed to me. Sandy would at times break down and say, "He told me that he loves me, so why does he treat me this way?"
I learned that she was not married to this guy, only living with him. There have been very few times in my adult lifetime where I have been caught at a loss for words, but this was definitely one of those occasions.
We spent the rest of the night and into the early hours of Saturday morning sitting on my couch in my apartment, Sandy talking, while I just listened.
When it seemed appropriate for me to speak, I asked the usual questions like, "Why do you continue to stay in that situation?" and "Why don't you call the police?"
I have since learned that both of these questions were the wrong ones and I will attempt to explain why later.
Sometime in the late afternoon, Sandy made the comment, "I need to go back."
My intelligent response was "What? You really want to go back to that scum?"
She said, "Yes, maybe if I try not to do things to get him upset, he'll treat me better."
I made the 50 mile drive back and dropped her off at her beat up truck in the parking lot and I came back home.
Sometime around 9:00 p.m. that Saturday night, my cell phone rang again and it was Sandy. She seemed to be more upset than the first time she had called. Through her sobbing, I could hear, "He just beat me again and I just can't take it anymore!"
I asked her where he was and she told me that he had left the house. I asked her if she could get back to that K-Mart parking lot and she said she could. I drove that 50 mile drive once again, only this time when I arrived, she had a lot of bags and clothes in that truck. We packed what seemed to be all of her things in my truck and drove back to my apartment. I continued to tell her what a bad person he was and how she deserved much better and that I hoped she was leaving him for good this time.
While Sandy sat in my apartment, she was always crying and upset. Her cell phone continued to "beep" with text message after text message from this guy. She showed me one of those messages. It said,
"I have the shotgun waiting at the door and I will kill the first person who walks through."After this guy had beaten her and threatened to kill her, she continued to cry and on that Sunday afternoon, she actually asked me to take her back to her truck, so I did.
This all happened several years ago and I have not heard from Sandy since that time. Having been face-to-face with domestic violence actually left me with more questions than answers and as a result, domestic violence became a personal project.
I began to read every article I could find on the subject of domestic violence and I sent e-mails to every expert on the subject I could find. It didn't take very long for me to realize that domestic violence is at epidemic levels all across the United States and I also learned that just about everything I did to help a friend in a desperate situation was wrong.
In talking with the Vice Mayor of my town, who had been a domestic violence counselor, I learned that by just going to get Sandy, I had placed myself in a very dangerous situation, both physically and professionally.
The first two questions that he asked me were, (1) "Do you love your kids?" and (2) "Do you value your reputation?"
He continued to explain to me that had either Sandy killed the abuser or had the abuser killed Sandy, I had placed myself directly into the position of being an accomplice to murder. He continued to explain to me that when an abusive partner threatens to use a weapon, he more than likely at some point will and he was mad at me.
I learned that my personal experience has actually shown me the cycle of violence that normally exists in a violent relationship and how domestic violence is all about power and control. The abusive partner will usually blame the victim for the violent acts and after hearing this repeatedly, the victim may come to believe it and accept the blame for the violence. She will always try to do better and will go back to the violence.
When confronted with a situation of domestic violence, we should never criticize or talk badly about the abuser because he has already told her many times that no one likes him and everyone wants to see them split up. When the victim hears what the abuser has said is true, it only drives her back to him.
Many domestic violence victims have called the police only to find out that even though her abuser was arrested, he could be back home within just a few hours after posting bail. The domestic violence victim, in most cases, doesn't have the time she needs to get everything together and get out and she fears the wrath of an abusive partner after being arrested more than she trusts law enforcement to protect her and oftentimes, her children.
Many women stay in a situation of domestic violence out of fear for their lives. Information obtained from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and other organizations indicates that a women who leaves a violent relationship has a 75% greater chance of being murdered than one who stays.
Sadly, I have learned through personal experience, that a woman living in a violent relationship will stay simply because she actually loves her abuser.
Many women who want to leave a violent relationship have no where to go. They have no family nearby, they have been totally isolated from their friends by their abusive partner, and oftentimes the domestic violence shelters are full. These women have the choice of living on the streets and being homeless or staying in the violence and that's not much of a choice, because either way they lose.
When an abused woman turns to her pastor or some member of her congregation, most often she is counseled on the sanctity of marriage or the role of a good wife, when in reality the church is not educated on the subject of domestic violence and really has no idea of how to deal with it.
In researching state laws addressing domestic violence in every state in the United States, I find something very amazing, they all are different. Some states differ drastically in even the definition of domestic violence and my first impression was, if they can't even define it, how in the world can they hope to control it.
Yes, domestic violence is alive and well in these United States and we must all be concerned enough to get involved and do something about it. Our individual communities, our churches, and our businesses must clearly understand that domestic violence affects all of us, from the prices we pay for healthcare to the premiums we pay for insurance.
There are some 4 million women out there who need our help and building more domestic violence shelters is definitely not the answer to the problem. Our state laws must be changed to properly define and address domestic violence and law enforcement personnel must be properly trained to deal with violence in the home.
We must show by our actions that domestic violence is just not acceptable in our society and no woman should have to suffer physical, sexual or emotional violence in their own home. No child should ever have to witness the murder of a mother in a violent relationship. Our state senators must know and understand how we feel.
Together we can make a difference and we can stop sending the message to abused women that their torture and sometimes murder is not important to us. Domestic violence can sometimes cease to be a "project" and suddenly become a "passion". If you would like to learn how you can personally join the fight against domestic violence, contact your state coalition against domestic violence.
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If you are a small business owner and aren't currently supporting any particular cause or campaign, why not join in supporting public awareness of the domestic violence problem? Domestic violence is all around us. It's in our neighborhoods and the places we work. It's not a private matter and it doesn't happen to just poor people. The only way we can help stop it is to talk about it. I would like to hear what you have to say. Please join me on LinkedIn and Google+.--Ken
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