This discussion will focus on domestic violence as it affects women, since the U. S. Department of Justice states that 95% of domestic violence victims in America are women.
Here are some questions to ask yourself about your relationship, whether it is a marriage or just a live-in arrangement, which may help in recognizing a potential violent and abusive relationship:
Does your partner seem to go out of his way to embarrass you, call you bad names, or try to put you down?
Many violent relationships begin with "intimidation", which is no more than an effort to destroy your self-esteem and make you feel inferior to your partner.Does your partner ever stare at you in ways that make you feel uneasy or scared?
Domestic violence, according to the experts, is learned behavior and the purpose of these gestures is to attack your pride and make you feel less than him.Does your partner make all the decisions and control all the money in your relationship?
Choosing one partner to keep the checkbook balanced and pay the bills is perfectly normal in some relationships. The difference comes when your partner doesn't even let you see the checkbook or his paycheck. Domestic violence is all about power and control and if your partner never discusses anything with you, makes you ask for money, or even sometimes steals your money; there definitely might be a problem.Has your partner ever destroyed any of your personal property?
This again falls within the "intimidation" phase of the cycle of violence. Your partner is proving his male dominance to you and is inflicting his violent behavior on you through your most treasured personal property.Does your partner accuse you of having affairs?
Partners who have learned to behave violently toward women always must have someone or some thing to blame, because they would never blame themselves. In the vicious cycle of violence, there is a phase known as the "set-up victim" phase. The abuser feels the need to show his power by committing violent acts toward you, but in his mind, he needs a good reason. Accusing you of cheating on him makes him feel justified in being abusive or even violent toward you.Does your partner discourage you from seeing your friends or family?
An abusive partner may begin by telling you that no one likes him and everyone wants to see the two of you split up. Abusive partners feel the need to keep their victims totally isolated for several reasons. First of all the abuser doesn't want you to tell anyone about his behavior, but you must.If you have condoned violent behavior over a period of time and finally make the decision to call the police, according to them that would be his first offense. You must let people know the very first time you are the victim of violent behavior so there will be a record of it. It is not your fault and you certainly should not feel ashamed of anything.
Another reason your partner wants you to feel totally isolated from everyone is simply because he doesn't want you to have anywhere to go should you choose to leave him. Don't listen to him, stay in touch with your friends and especially your family, because they do care about you.
Has your partner ever told you that you are a bad parent?
You partner is trying to make you feel guilty about the care of your children and the next phase of this may be threats to even take your children away from you. He is actually using your children to place the blame for his violent behavior on you. Children are always the innocent victims of domestic violence.Has your partner ever pushed, slapped, raped you or threatened you with a weapon?
For many abusive partners this is the only way to show you that he is the boss. He must put you in a place where you have little or no self-esteem so he can maintain total power and control. At this stage, you have become no more than his servant and it will only get worse.Has your partner ever threatened suicide?
This is no more than a "pity party" on the part of the abuser. He doesn't want you to leave because then he would have no one to intimidate, threaten or attack.Does your partner blame alcohol or drugs for his temper getting out of control?
You must understand that even though alcohol or drugs may cause the violent behavior to be more intense, these are not the root cause of violent behavior. Not all alcoholics beat their wives and not all domestic violence abusers are alcoholics. As previously mentioned, the abuser must have something to blame for his behavior and these are just excuses.Are you afraid of your partner?
Our home is the one place everyone should feel totally safe and secure. If you are actually afraid of your partner, how could it be the relationship you once envisioned? No woman deserves to the physically, sexually or emotional assaulted in her own home and this just might be the right time to leave. You are not going to be able to change him no matter how hard you try and odds are he will not change himself.If you answered, "Yes" to any of these questions, you probably are not living in a normal relationship and you must understand that even though there is no violent behavior occurring right now, the potential for violence is very high.
Domestic violence hurts you directly, but it also has a devastating affect on those around you who care about you, but may feel totally helpless.
If you are in an abusive relationship and want to be free of it, there is hope and there is help available to you. The violence is not your fault and you are definitely not alone.
If you are doing research on the internet, please be very careful. People with no technical skills can trace the sites you have visited. It might be a good idea to use the computer at your local library or at a friend's house.
There is a National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and every state has a coalition against domestic violence. Most coalitions have a 24-hour hotline to help you find assistance in your local area. Don't hesitate to call them if you feel you need help.
Many communities have safe houses to provide you with a place to live and many have counseling and job placement services to help you get back on your feet.
It should not be an embarrassment to admit you are a victim of domestic violence. Some 4 Million women across the United States are experiencing exactly what you are going through. Leaving a violent relationship takes planning and a tremendous amount of courage.
If you are living in violence, it will only escalate over time, so why not ask for help and start the healing process and be the person God intended you to be.
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If you are a business owner and haven't adopted any particular cause or campaign, why not get involved in promoting domestic violence awareness? When businesses work together, great things can happen. The only way we can help stop domestic violence is to talk about it. There is someone in your community who is living in a violent relationship. Please join me on LinkedIn and Google+.--Ken
