Reasons Victims Stay In An Abusive Relationship

Domestic violence in the workplace.

Whether it is easier to leave a violent relationship or stay in the violence is a very complex issue that will never be as easily resolved as the subject may appear. One of the major problems in the entire domestic violence issue is the general public's lack of understanding and therefore, it is oftentimes difficult for anyone to understand why the victims of violent behavior don't just leave.

According to a National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) fact sheet, 85% of domestic violence victims are women.  The University of California (UCLA) Counseling Center outlines several reasons why abuse victims stay in violent relationships, including:

Domestic Violence: Understanding Warning Signs

Domestic violence awareness needs your support.

Abusive relationships certainly don't begin that way; otherwise the relationship probably wouldn't begin in the first place. Many relationships, whether marriage or live-in relationships, often begin with both partners deeply in love with one another and little things do seem to go unnoticed. It is these "little things" that could possibly be telltale signs of bad things to come. It is important to understand domestic abuse and recognize some of the warning signs.

 

Domestic Violence Involves Excuses

One in Four Women Will Experience Violence

The experts tell us that the majority of domestic violence incidents involve men acting violently toward women and actually there are several "excuses" given by the abusive partner for violent behavior in a relationship involving domestic violence.

Some abusive partners blame their violent actions on drugs or alcohol. The abuser must have something or someone to blame for his actions, so why not? The problem here is, how does getting drunk or stoned out of one's mind cause that person to want to beat up on a woman or a child? Why not just go out and find another man to beat and threaten? Also, why aren't all alcoholics and drug addicts violent and abusive toward their partners? The facts are quite clear, all violent men are not alcoholics and all alcoholics don't beat or murder their partners.

Recognizing Abuse In A Relationship

Many intimate relationships, which begin in total infatuation, may, overtime, turn into violent and abusive nightmares. Domestic violence doesn't always begin with a slap, a kick or any type of physical violence, but more subtle gestures or comments may be signs of things to come. There are definitely some very significant warning signs to be taken seriously in recognizing a potential abusive relationship.

This discussion will focus on domestic violence as it affects women, since the U. S. Department of Justice states that 95% of domestic violence victims in America are women.

Here are some questions to ask yourself about your relationship, whether it is a marriage or just a live-in arrangement, which may help in recognizing a potential violent and abusive relationship:

Does your partner seem to go out of his way to embarrass you, call you bad names, or try to put you down?

Many violent relationships begin with "intimidation", which is no more than an effort to destroy your self-esteem and make you feel inferior to your partner.

Does your partner ever stare at you in ways that make you feel uneasy or scared?

Domestic violence, according to the experts, is learned behavior and the purpose of these gestures is to attack your pride and make you feel less than him.

Does your partner make all the decisions and control all the money in your relationship?

Choosing one partner to keep the checkbook balanced and pay the bills is perfectly normal in some relationships. The difference comes when your partner doesn't even let you see the checkbook or his paycheck. Domestic violence is all about power and control and if your partner never discusses anything with you, makes you ask for money, or even sometimes steals your money; there definitely might be a problem.

Has your partner ever destroyed any of your personal property?

This again falls within the "intimidation" phase of the cycle of violence. Your partner is proving his male dominance to you and is inflicting his violent behavior on you through your most treasured personal property.

Does your partner accuse you of having affairs?

Partners who have learned to behave violently toward women always must have someone or some thing to blame, because they would never blame themselves. In the vicious cycle of violence, there is a phase known as the "set-up victim" phase. The abuser feels the need to show his power by committing violent acts toward you, but in his mind, he needs a good reason. Accusing you of cheating on him makes him feel justified in being abusive or even violent toward you.

Does your partner discourage you from seeing your friends or family?

An abusive partner may begin by telling you that no one likes him and everyone wants to see the two of you split up. Abusive partners feel the need to keep their victims totally isolated for several reasons. First of all the abuser doesn't want you to tell anyone about his behavior, but you must.

If you have condoned violent behavior over a period of time and finally make the decision to call the police, according to them that would be his first offense. You must let people know the very first time you are the victim of violent behavior so there will be a record of it. It is not your fault and you certainly should not feel ashamed of anything.

Another reason your partner wants you to feel totally isolated from everyone is simply because he doesn't want you to have anywhere to go should you choose to leave him. Don't listen to him, stay in touch with your friends and especially your family, because they do care about you.

Has your partner ever told you that you are a bad parent?

You partner is trying to make you feel guilty about the care of your children and the next phase of this may be threats to even take your children away from you. He is actually using your children to place the blame for his violent behavior on you. Children are always the innocent victims of domestic violence.

Has your partner ever pushed, slapped, raped you or threatened you with a weapon?

For many abusive partners this is the only way to show you that he is the boss. He must put you in a place where you have little or no self-esteem so he can maintain total power and control. At this stage, you have become no more than his servant and it will only get worse.

Has your partner ever threatened suicide?

This is no more than a "pity party" on the part of the abuser. He doesn't want you to leave because then he would have no one to intimidate, threaten or attack.

Does your partner blame alcohol or drugs for his temper getting out of control?

You must understand that even though alcohol or drugs may cause the violent behavior to be more intense, these are not the root cause of violent behavior. Not all alcoholics beat their wives and not all domestic violence abusers are alcoholics. As previously mentioned, the abuser must have something to blame for his behavior and these are just excuses.

Are you afraid of your partner?

Our home is the one place everyone should feel totally safe and secure. If you are actually afraid of your partner, how could it be the relationship you once envisioned? No woman deserves to the physically, sexually or emotional assaulted in her own home and this just might be the right time to leave. You are not going to be able to change him no matter how hard you try and odds are he will not change himself.

If you answered, "Yes" to any of these questions, you probably are not living in a normal relationship and you must understand that even though there is no violent behavior occurring right now, the potential for violence is very high.

Domestic violence hurts you directly, but it also has a devastating affect on those around you who care about you, but may feel totally helpless.

If you are in an abusive relationship and want to be free of it, there is hope and there is help available to you. The violence is not your fault and you are definitely not alone.

If you are doing research on the internet, please be very careful. People with no technical skills can trace the sites you have visited. It might be a good idea to use the computer at your local library or at a friend's house.

There is a National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and every state has a coalition against domestic violence. Most coalitions have a 24-hour hotline to help you find assistance in your local area. Don't hesitate to call them if you feel you need help.

Many communities have safe houses to provide you with a place to live and many have counseling and job placement services to help you get back on your feet.

It should not be an embarrassment to admit you are a victim of domestic violence. Some 4 Million women across the United States are experiencing exactly what you are going through. Leaving a violent relationship takes planning and a tremendous amount of courage.

If you are living in violence, it will only escalate over time, so why not ask for help and start the healing process and be the person God intended you to be.

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If you are a business owner and haven't adopted any particular cause or campaign, why not get involved in promoting domestic violence awareness? When businesses work together, great things can happen. The only way we can help stop domestic violence is to talk about it. There is someone in your community who is living in a violent relationship. Please join me on LinkedIn and Google+.--Ken

Domestic Violence: Stopping The Violence and Abuse

Support Domestic Violence Awareness

Domestic violence is at epidemic levels across these United States and even though both men and women suffer the effects of abusive, sometimes violent relationships, this article is designed to address domestic violence against women. The statistics show that the majority of domestic violence victims are women and the majority of those who are killed by a partner are women.

 

To stop domestic violence, you must understand just what it is

There seem to be hundreds or even thousands of organizations who proclaim that their mission is to stop domestic violence. So, why aren't they stopping domestic violence? Could it possibly be that people don't really understand just what it is?
A review of state laws addressing domestic violence indicates they differ, sometimes drastically, in how they actually "define" domestic violence. For example, the Alabama Code addresses domestic violence as simply "abuse", in New Mexico it's "domestic abuse" and in other states domestic violence is mentioned in with all the other "assault" statutes. Most state laws mention only the physical abuse of domestic violence, with seemingly little or no concern for the emotional or psychological abuse that goes along with a violent or abusive relationship.

 

Domestic violence according to the National Coalition against Domestic Violence

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence sees the problem like this:

"Domestic violence may include not only the intimate partner relationships of spousal, live-in partners and dating relationships, also familial, elder and child abuse may be present in a violent home. Abuse generally falls into one or more of the following categories: physical battering, sexual assault and emotional or psychological abuse, and generally escalates over a period of time."

 

How do you begin to stop domestic violence?

It would appear that the very first step in bringing domestic violence to an end would be for all states in the United States to understand just what domestic violence is and adopt a standard definition. State laws and the national agency against domestic violence don't even agree on the definition.
Once they agree on a "common" definition, then they can move forward in changing the laws and providing the necessary training to those who are responsible for enforcing them.

Here's a perfect example of an actual state law that needs to be changed (the state isn't important here):

"(A) After an adult, who falls into one of the categories set forth in Section 36-3-601(9)(A) through (F), has been arrested for assault pursuant to 39-13-101, or aggravated assault pursuant to 39-13-102 against a victim as defined in this part, the arresting officer shall inform the victim that the person arrested may be eligible to post bond for the offense and be released until the date of the trial for the offense."

 

To stop domestic violence, it must be seen from the victim's perspective

Let's take a hypothetical situation involving a woman who has just experienced a violent abusive episode with her partner. Due to her partner's controlling behavior, she has been totally isolated from her friends and she has no family in the immediate area.

You can assume she has children but, for this example, it really doesn't matter. She somehow manages to get to a phone and calls the police or a neighbor calls the police. The police arrive and arrest her partner and before the officer leaves, he tells her - "the person who just assaulted you may be eligible to post bond for the offense and be released until the date of trial for the offense."

How long does it take to post bond? One hour? Two hours? So, hypothetically, this person who has just abused his partner could be back home within two hours.

Who do you think this abuser is most upset with: the police? his partner? Do you think that, just possibly, being arrested and hauled to jail would be used as justification for the abuser to commit more violent acts against his partner?

The victim of this domestic violence calls the local domestic violence shelter and the people tell her - "We're sorry, but we have no vacancy." She has no friends, no family and the shelter won't let her in, where does she go? Keep in mind she has about two hours to get out.

 

To stop domestic violence, it needs to be made easier for victims to leave

According to national domestic violence statistics, 50 percent of the women with children who are homeless and on the streets are victims of domestic violence.

When a woman makes the decision to leave her home, there is more to leaving than just getting in the car or have someone pick her up. She has to get together valuable papers like birth certificates, social security cards, lease agreements, home deeds, school records and medical records. She has to get clothes for herself and her children. She has to get together toys for the children. She has to get her medications together and the house keys and car keys.

Would it not be just an act of common decency to allow a domestic violence victim at least 24 hours to get herself together and get out? Do you think that just knowing that an abuser will be released in just a matter of a few hours deters domestic violence victims from calling the police in the first place?

Building more shelters is not the answer to ending domestic violence. Before anyone will bring any type of drastic reduction in domestic violence incidents, it's vital to know the answers to two very critical questions:

• What causes a person to intentionally want to hurt or even murder someone who they are supposed to love?
• Why does a woman stay or return to a place where she has been physically, sexually or emotionally abused?

Unfortunately, many people view domestic violence as a private family matter - to be solved between a man and a woman. Well, nothing could be further from the truth about domestic violence. When the lives of women and children are on the line in your own communities, domestic violence becomes your problem.

If you would like to learn more about domestic violence and how you can help stop it, call your state coalition against domestic violence today.

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If you are a business owner and haven't adopted any particular cause or campaign, why not get involved in promoting domestic violence awareness? When businesses work together, great things can happen. The only way we can help stop domestic violence is to talk about it. There is someone in your community who is living in a violent relationship. Please join me on LinkedIn and Google+.--Ken

Domestic Violence Prevention Requires Awareness

Stop Violence Against Women

Domestic violence prevention and awareness should be a priority for all states, communities and every citizen. Domestic violence is at epidemic levels in the United States, with surveys from the U. S. and Canada indicating that domestic violence occurs in 28% of all marriages. The experts feel this estimate is too low, since most domestic violence incidents are not reported.

 

So, what is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is the power and control of one partner over another in a dating, marital or live-in relationship. Domestic violence doesn't always begin in physical violence but may initially present itself in a more subtle pattern of coercive behavior to intimidate and destroy the self-esteem of another partner.

 

Who are the victims of domestic violence?

According to the U. S. Department of Justice, 95% of domestic violence victims in America are women, although men may also be victims.

 

How often does domestic violence occur?

According to a National Violence Against Women Survey, 22% of women are physically assaulted by a partner or date during their lifetime and nearly 5.3 million partner victimizations occur each year among U. S. women ages 18 and older, resulting in 2 million injuries and 1,300 deaths.

 

Who are the abusers?

Men who abuse their partners fall into no specific categories and come from all backgrounds, races, religions and walks of life. They be unemployed or highly paid professionals. The abusers may be good providers, upstanding members of their community, and respected members of their church congregation.

 

What are the types of domestic violence?

• Physical Assault

Physical violence can include pushing, hitting, kicking or restraining and may occur frequently or infrequently. In most cases, the physical violence will escalate in severity and frequency over time. The end result of many domestic violence relationships is murder.

• Sexual Assault

Sexual violence occurs when one partner forces sexual acts that are unwanted or declined by the other partner.

• Psychological Assault

The emotional and psychological violence is intended to place the victim under the total domination and control of the abuser. This type of domestic violence may include isolation from friends and family, total financial dependence, control over where a partner can go and what she can do, threats and intimidation.

• Attacks Against Property and Pets

The violence toward the victim is transferred to the destruction of household objects or treasured possessions of the victim. In some cases the abuser has abused or killed the family pet.

 

Misunderstandings of domestic violence

Domestic violence is not a marital conflict, a lover's quarrel or a private family matter.

 

Domestic violence in the workplace

Domestic violence affects the workplace when an abuser harasses an employee who is on the job, when a victim is absent because of injuries or less productive due to stress, or when violence occurs at the worksite. According to the Family Prevention Fund, homicide is the leading cause of death for women in the workplace.

Now that we are more aware of just what domestic violence is and how it affects all of us, what can we do to help prevent domestic violence and bring it under control?

 

What can every citizen do?

1. Speak out against domestic violence and refuse to accept violence in your own life.
2. Learn the facts about domestic violence.
3. Listen to a victim of domestic violence and never be judgmental.
4. Call the police if you witness a domestic violence incident.
5. Make domestic violence a part of your community watch program.
6. Ask your pastor to hold a special service for domestic violence victims and survivors.
7. Encourage your local Parent Teacher's Organization to sponsor a presentation on domestic violence.
8. Put domestic violence on the agenda of your business or professional organization.
9. Write your state senators and let them know your feelings about domestic violence.
10. Support your local domestic violence programs and hold fund raising activities to support the fight against domestic violence.

 

Help for victims of domestic violence

First of all, you must understand the violence is not your fault even though you probably have been told that many times. If you desire help in a violent relationship it is available and you do not have to continue to live in your current environment.

There is a National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and every state has its own coalition, most of whom have a 24-hour hotline for you to call for assistance. If there isn't a domestic violence safe house in your community, there is one very near by. If you will call one of the coalitions, I'm sure they can direct you to the right place.

If you will "Google" - "coalition against domestic violence XX" (substitute your state for the XX), you will find your state's coalition. You must understand that no matter how hard you try, you are not going to change your partner's violent behavior and you can get some protection from him by calling your local police or sheriff's office first. Also, your friends and family do care, but they won't know you need help until you ask them.

 

Domestic violence prevention

We can all make a difference in the lives of some 4 million women who suffer the devastating affects of domestic violence each year in the United States by simply getting involved. If our combined efforts save only one life, would that have not been worth it?

Laws must be established to address domestic violence "specifically" and not just thrown in with all the other "assault" statutes. These laws must mandate strict punishment for domestic violence convictions. When an Order of Protection is violated there must be more punishment than a slap on the hand. The place for any man who abuses his partner is behind bars, period.

Until we stand up in one clear voice and tell our local, state and federal lawmakers that domestic violence will no longer be tolerated in a free society, it will continue and women will still be abused and murdered. We must stop accepting alcohol, stress, or drugs as justification for any man to commit violent acts against his partner.

No woman deserves to be physically, sexually or emotionally abused in her own home and domestic violence, like any other epidemic, must have priority and we must totally understand that it is the abusive partner who is solely responsible for violent behavior. Domestic violence hurts all of us and it must be brought under control.

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If you are a business owner and haven't adopted any particular cause or campaign, why not get involved in promoting domestic violence awareness? When businesses work together, great things can happen. The only way we can help stop domestic violence is to talk about it. There is someone in your community who is living in a violent relationship. Please join me on LinkedIn and Google+.--Ken